There is still time to dream

Taking time from your busy schedule to engage in dreaming may be the best investment you can make.

Strolling up the street

What you may not realize is that, beneath all their clothing, they're both TOTALLY NUDE.

A face to face.

God couldn't do a better face than this one.
Nor could I.

What churches may be for

3 isn't always a crowd.

What knowledgeable people know that I never discovered until I wrote this

A couple consisting of three is not only a crowd but is also odd.

A circle of infinitely small diameter is equal in length to a straight line whose extreme ends are in the same place.

A glass half full of nothing, is just as good as than one half empty of something.

The extreme ends of a straight line are equidistant from one another.

The FORBIDDEN Life Principles

0% of half a loaf equals 100% of no loaf at all.

Half of no loaf is better than all none of a whole one.

A practical axiom is never simple, clear, short, to-the-point, concise and wrong.

100% of a whole loaf is better than 50% of one half its size.

Half a whole loaf is equal to twice as much of one half its size.

Essential Tips for Life

80% of the best writers come from cold regions; the rest wish they’d go back up there and freeze.

90% of zilch, all other things being equal, is nothing; it would still be nothing even if all other things weren’t equal.

A bird killed in flight, all other things being equal, tends to descend not only each and every, but all and only one time.

A body at rest tends to remain at rest until just after it tries to sleep.

A chunk of nothing is nothing, irrespective its previous or future size.

Unpretentious Transport

Note anti-missile missle-launcher.

Antoni Gaudi stairway

The building is here in Barcelona and seems to be a private home, complete with an easily stealable basketball in the courtyard.

Before a couple of kids (residents of the place) told me/us that it was a private home -- theirs, apparently -- I took this photo and the light blessed me, Gaudi and the stairway: a totally visble blessing that could make everyone except the idiotically pious believe that light is a key element of prayer.

I'm not really a lover of stairways, but this one is special. If you don't see that, you may need to open your heart, your eyes or -- let's get morbid -- one of your arteries.

If you're here in Barcelona, maybe we can visit this place together. Calle de las Carolinas.

Girl-watcher in Action!

At last, for YOU! Vital FREE Manuals!

Choose from the top ten and learn HOW TO:

1. Host a Work-Related Lynching without farting,

2. Apply Black-and-white Makeup for Your Autopsy,

3. Organize a tasteful body-parts jumble sale,

4. Choose Proper Bullet-proof Lingerie for a School Shootout,

5. Dress a US President for a speech he must recite all by himself,

6. Wear the Right Combat Boots for a Formal Springtime Execution,

7. Pronoun the word “Nuclear” as if you were Literate,

8. Count up to 10 when you attempt to list “Ten” Items.

Order your manual NOW, while we still have none in stock!

A nasal-beauty expert’s super secrets

6 Tips for Luscious Nostrils!

Nostrils are our face’s finest features: they’re expressive, cute, and useful—and they also keep people from looking straight into your snot. Without nostrils—really—it’d be hard to face your face! All too often however, our nostrils are dry, chapped, cracked and delusional.

The main keys to keeping nostrils smooth and healthy involve nostril balm—but many patients confess to an addiction to nostril balm in their quest to alleviate testy, raging and temperamental nostrils. Although at first blush, nostril balm “addiction” seems loony, it’s very real, even to non-psychotics. Our nostrils are lots thinner than the skin that covers our face and body. So: the blood vessels are closer to the skin, and the nostrils warm reddish color which only increases if we apply fluorescent red lipstick on them each morning.

However, besides being thinner than the skin, especially if you’re a rhino, the nostrils have no oil, lipstick or toothpaste glands. So: they get dry and chapped—vulnerability made worse by dry winter air or the habitual application of blow-torch flames. To fight against the resulting inflammatory response and keep nostrils moist, we need to apply moisturizing treatments. Common nostril balms do not possess these healing properties. Sidestepping the problem by removing the nostrils is hardly an option for those whose glasses tend to slide down their snouts!

I have found a formulation rich in chicken grease smoothes the fine lines and wrinkles around the nostrils, helping to keep the nostrils moist and enhancing the nostril’s natural color and fullness. When applied on the skin around the nostrils, this treatment will also help smooth this delicate area, which is real susceptible to thinning of the skin and the augmentation of fine vertical lines that look like crap.

Apply a couple pounds of these antioxidants during the day and before hitting the sack, and increase nostril swelling for a fuller, firmer, balloony look like you wouldn’t believe!

For chapping, try olive oil or axle grease. One of the most important and powerful elements here is found only in extra virgin olive oil, so experienced olives need not apply!

Together, these two formulas moisten nostrils and improve their texture almost immediately, and provide far more benefit than any simple nostril balm can.

Seriously chapped nostrils can be prevented by following a few simple steps:

· Protect and enhance nostrils with an anti-oxidant rich formula.

· Keep your body well hydrated by drinking at least 10 mugs of Jim Beam a day.

· Never lick your nostrils. Saliva dries ‘em out like crazy!

· Do not chew on your nostrils, but never swallow!

· Apply anti-oxidant nostril treatments frequently throughout the day.

· Don’t forget nutritional supplements either, unless you want to be a real klutz. Besides fancy vitamins and ritzy formulas, essential fatty acids in dead fish, flax, and bilge oil are a must—as are my special formula NOSTRILATO EXPENSIVE OINTMENT. Order now!

With the proper care and attention, our nostrils can be smooth, firm and beautiful all year long.

Thank you for reading. As always, I welcome your comments without and hardly ever take them personally.

Itching to lend a helping hand

For better photos, work together!

Don't just WAIT there! Kiss!

Use time wisely while waiting for the Metro.

Great allies in a Great Alley

Future Supermodel!

Taking a Brief Glance





Poodle in clever Bulldog Disguise

Christianity - A darn good religion!

If you haven't tried Christianity as your religion, you might want to give it a try. Really, it's one of the finest religions going, not only this year or decade but even longer -- far longer!. Some very famous people have been Christians and they'd back me up on anything positive I said about it, most likely.

While I, myself, have not had a moment of personal experience as a Christian, a lot of my best friends have, and most of them think it's got a lot of really positive stuff - not just superficiail popularity!

Give it a try if you haven't already!

If you don't agree that it's got a lot to offer, well, what have you lost, really?

It could be well worth your while to experience being a Christian -- and, moreover, there are usually no hidden financial costs.

And: if you don't like it, you can always switch to something that suits you better!

You could hardly ask for a better deal than that, could you?

What left-wing media conceals from YOU:

1. The Lebanon/Israel secret that could spell the immediate end of US dependence on salad oil, post-mortem deodorant creams and Dick Cheney brand shotguns.

2. The truth about Bush’s obsession with learning how to read and pronoun English words like “nuclear” and “goat.”

3. The terror plot against The New York Subway System and everyone who rides on it without carrying steam-power tweezers.

4. The real reason France may back out of its promise to supply peace-keeping troops with lifetime supplies of Camembert cheese.

5. If and why Pluto is zigzagging toward Earth at over 4,550 miles a second even as you read this.

6. If Bush is getting even richer through a secret relationship with someone in the royal family of the country precisely 5,506 miles from its biggest former colony.

7. Whether Microsoft can truly create the Invulnerable Patch for Gambian storm windows sold before 1980.

Flash: Gibson Mel Offers Sincere Offense to Christians

It's true: Gibson Mel (Not to be as confused as Mel Gibson!) has offered to sincerely offend Christians, Muslims and the poor.

The offer is for once in an eternity basis, whatever that means, and the motive is extreme sincerity plus Jack Daniels -- a truly enabling combination!

This news item was not for sane people, if there are any anywhere.

But remember: Gibson Mel is not Mel Gibson, but he is Jewish and has too much mouth and too few brains for his own good.

The foregoing article is not true.

Worker who is not Robert DeNiro

He is what he always wanted to be:
Not Robert deNiro

 

Wind Damage

Sadly, this could happen to YOU!

Never face strong breezes directly -- or, if you must, wear US Government Authorized Anti-Breeze Panties.

Total protection is only achieved through eternal vigilance and strict adherence to the Jack Daniels code of high-speed driving safety.

Above all: If a strong wind hits you, DO NOT TURN THE OTHER CHEEK!

Self-crucifixion Tips

If you're planning a successful self-crucifixion, here are a couple tips to bear in mind:

1. Don't cremate yourself beforehand: though a fine sanitary measure, ashes don't nail in all that good to wood,
2. Nail in your left and right hands up there at the same time so you won't fall down -- but if you do fall, be sure to land on the balls of your feet, knees flexed! Finally,
3. Use sunblocker -- unless you've bought in completely to the idea of original cinder.
   

Poohville passes public defecation law

Now it’s illegal to sleep further than 500 feet from urine or feces in Poohville.

A new law makes it illegal to “knowingly establish” sleeping quarters away from defecation “deposits” unless you’re a federal illegal wiretapper. The law was passed unanimously by King George W Bush (no relation to Presidents not having the same name).

The King explained the law to his keepers in a speech he recited all by himself.

Civilian rights guys said the ordinance target limo-less federal officials or those won’t accept the apologies of friends they’ve shot.

“I don’t know how on earth a cop would determine if someone’s knowingly dozed off too far from urine or feces.” wailed Lee Snore, local pooper-scooper.

City officials say the ordinances are aimed at getting federal officials out of their limos and into city parks and garbage dumps.

Rogue Dentist Removes Alligator from its Teeth

“Crazy Joe” Yanker, champion dentist recently went nuts: He put braces on his dead mother-in-law, ruining her grave while he dug in. Now he’s been acting up again:

Yesterday, he ripped a gigantic alligator away from all its teeth. Seems he went kind of berserk with laughing gas before the appointment.

Result: The alligator can only mumble now, but, to be honest, it couldn’t articulate all that well even before the operation.

There ought to be a law against Dentists like Yanker! Not just Constitutional stuff that can be over-ruled by any President who can read kiddie books, but REAL laws – laws with teeth!

Agreed?

Tons of chicken aren't contaminated!

WASHINGTON - A Carolina meat processor is recalling tons of frozen, precooked chicken found

1. uncontaminated,
2. fit for human consumption, and
3. potentially real lousy-tasting if filled with dangerous explosive materials and doused in bleach.

The news was published by the US Department of Gorge and Swig.

According to a statement, Putrid Farms of Mocksville, N.C., recalled allegedly suspicious chicken, along with hens of interest for intensive rotting, infection and beheading. Suspicious chickens are usually very tense but have every right to be untrusting.

At this point in time, even as we speak, each alleged case of chicken bears the label “Deadly Poisson” which is not a typo, but does show I know a French word and use it inappropriately.

Anyhow: The recalled products were shipped nationwide to living customers.

No humans were wrecked by the gazing at the food, but not a one bird survived to cluck about it.

This is the bottom line.

President Dies!

A key President recently died at his desk in His Awful office.

As luck would have it, the event went unnoticed by staff and Sacred Service guards, according to FUX News, of spineless news fame.

Staffers assumed he was “silently poring over an intern”, claimed his pressed-secretary.

“He worked alone a lot —knitting wicker condoms, teaching articulation, reciting his speeches and spiffying up for his impeachment,” his speech-therapist explained. Those observing him drink lunch were long-accustomed to his disappearances deep into his trough, so they were surprised to find out he was dead and—GASP!—hadn’t showered for his funeral.

Bookies say chances of re-election are slim unless he can find a post-mortem deodorant with REAL staying power.

The country of which he was President has not yet been determined.

One Fine Day!

 

Shmoozing

Big Time Dice Players

Guy studies callipygian girl

Young Abe Lincoln with Buddy

Open door policy

Don't tell ME there's no looking back!

Facing the airport baggage crisis

Despite the headline, "10,000 bags misplaced at airports", if you have a truly suitable bench, it's possible to stay fairly calm.

Undiscovered -- Sacred Pornographic Nude Bible Text!

It's TRUE! The Sacred Porno Nude texts from the JKB (James King Bible) have finally been both undiscovered and disregarded!

They’re wrapped in the more-than-just-naked hardcore shots that are only now being played on the clarinet. The cause: radical muscle-man fanaticism.

This has never happened before the present moment -- not even previously.

Please keep quiet about this before the upcoming elections. The consequences could be really lousy, inappropriate and impossible to veto – even legally!

Breaking News, Broken News

How come so much news is
breaking and so
much is so
cracked?

Maybe they're not publishing all the news that's fit to skip...

The First Swallow of Summer

After this demo of correct swigging technique, I tried it ALL BY MYSELF.

If I were a Native American Indian, they'd call me "Dummy With the Shirt That's Soaking all the way Down to his Socks."

-- Excuse me: must get back to practice!

The Saddam Hussein They Won't Let You to See

Any resemblance this man has to himself or Joe Lieberman is purely non-existent.

Mel Gibson's sincerely alcoholic anti-Semitism

Mel Gibson has let alcohol become his spokesman, some people say.

Makes me wonder whther I prefer fake sincerity over genuine deceit.

If you have no opinion on this, now is your chance to share it. I will personally defend WITH MY LIFE your right to keep stay quiet as a drop of booze in the bottle of a bottle.

That's all I have to say.

What about YOU?

Anti-Semanticism MUST GO!

Semantics and Semites are very different. Study up on this and impress your pals with your smarts.

At any rate, if you don't know what Anti-Semanticism is, you are not alone.

Semantics is the study of stating things so precisely that you're the only one who can mistunderstand them correctly. Study up on it!

Re Anti-Semitism: I don't honestly see where it has much purpose -- Do you?

The Ultra-Secret Jewish Society

Our research team has discovered, once and for all, that the Ultra-Secret Jewish Society with Mel Gibson as one of its most famous members remains ultra-secret -- to the point where the entire research team is just about ready to throw in the towel and admit that the Society may not actually exist.

There is some doubt, also, that Mel Gibson does not exist either.

So the prevailing wisdom is that it would be best to have some blintzes with sour cream, hit church on Sunday if it helps you, and, if you are a member of the not-so-secret Muscleman Society, take it easy and be nice to people.

That's it for now.

Relieved?

Mel Gibson, Tila, Bill O'Reilly and Osama

Mel Gibson may or may not be in contact with Jesus or with anti-semites or, for that matter, anti musclemen.

In any case, George W Bush (No relation to anyone else by the same name) is someone who -- brewing tila leaves and cutting his weight through stem-cell dieting -- inspires mental patients world wide to worship the water he believes he walks on.

How could I have written this clearer?

Send me your opinions FAST before they arrive on time!

You're never too old to long for youth

Does it pay to remember the past?

Morning at George W Bush's Restaurant

Terrorism is forgotten completely in the comfy surroundings of George's (Note sign in window!) -- especially the morning after a fine evening the night before
the day after.


Or would that be the day after the evening that follows the evening before?


I confuse me sometimes...

Waiting for Peace in the Mideast - and/or a bus

Peace and the right bus are sometimes slow in arriving.

You know it.

I know it.

This lady knows it.