Youth!

One of the neighbors
at the end of
his tether

Joy CAN be OK!

A little bit of joy, endured for the right reasons,
can actually be healthy.
Try it -- but with caution.

Tough Summit Conference on Wine Consumption

Thorny decisions must be tackled:
Wines must be cautiously
evaluated through repeated tasting and re-tasting.


--and re-tasting before re-re-tasting.

Decisions, decisions, decisions!

Antoni Gaudi Stairway

This is, of course, in Barcelona, where I live,
but not in a place tourists hit often.
It's just a private home I snuck
into the backyard of
and snapped
this.


Beauty is everywhere, if you're
lucky and looking.

Charlie and me in the woods where we weren't

I am Charlie's human (left). He was my dog.
We weren't really in the woods,
and I, personally, am
not out of the woods yet.

Cheerful red-circle guy in Barcelona Plaza

FIGHT FOR
DISEASE-FREE
PHONE-SEX!

Mr. Twstr. Barcelona Post Office. Yesterday.

Bill O'Reilly, Courage and No-Spin

I did not have the courage to appear on Bill O'Reilly's program on Fox News -- The O'Reilly Spin Factor -- and, moreover, I didn't even have the courage to be invited to do so.
So there! I've made my admission and I hope that ends the whole political agenda and that we can continue our lives without talk of George W. Bush and Vice-President Cheney and Secretary of State Rice! Politics is (or would that be ARE?) vitally important in a free society -- but not 24/7.
So that's the end of it. Maybe I can stay the course and just try to write my blog like I started to do: no politics, no agenda, no meaning.

Logic in Action!

A bird killed in flight, all other things being equal, tends to descend not only each and every, but all and only one time.

A circle with an infinitely small diameter is equal in size and length to a line whose ends are in the same place.

A couple consisting of three is one short of two groups neither of which is a crowd.

A pair of socks with one sock missing cannot be matched to an equal and opposite pair.

A straight line with both ends and middle missing is either missing itself or in the form of an infinitely small point.

Accurate addition of 2 plus 2 tends to result in quantities over 1.5.

Millionaire innocent of suicide and self-dismemberment

Eccentric, moody millionaire Bob Kutt, accidentally committed suicide in self-defense—that is, to defend himself against himself. Then, panicked, he dismembered his body.

Every part of him was found innocent.

The verdict ended a grisly case that began when a choice selection of Kutt’s body parts washed up on a beach.

Kutt was stunned when he heard the verdict; his mouth hung open down to his ankles and his eyes filled with tears. The 60-year-old millionaire hugged his attorneys and sweetly murmured: “Your checks are in the mail.”

Kutt is still under suspicion in the disappearance of

• all of his first wife and
• her Siamese twin by another father.

To escape, he posed as an invisible mute woman.

In a risky, all-or-nothing strategy by the defense, the jury was allowed to consider only the suicide, not lesser charges of

• shoplifting,
• lousy posture
• sloppy butchering.

Kutt’s head was never recovered. The one he had in court was an off-the-shelf job from a local lettuce boutique.

Kutt came under suspicion after cops found a receipt with his name on it in trash bags containing his remains. When arrested, Kutt skipped bail and fled, apparently having lost his head.

He was a fugitive for 6 weeks. But then he got caught shoplifting sawdust when a storekeeper wouldn’t change a $530,000,000 bill. When caught, Kutt was armed and headed.

Kutt is the son of the ever-late Seymour Kutt who refused to comment although he was not asked for one.

This is me on the outside.

Stuff that's in my brain, located on the inside, is sometimes reflected in this blog.

(As I write this, I'm imaginging a highly-reflective blog - one you can look into and see yourself in.)

Surgeons join born-separate twins

Doctors at the world-renowned Schlemiel Clinic in Umbilical, Utah (Motto: “A Place to Putrefy.”) did it: They joined 2000-month-old twin girls in holy “twin-lock” at the pinkie. The girls were born unmarried.

Oilette and Toilette were joined in a seven-second procedure, (excluding commercials). It would have ended quicker, but half-way through, a third twin was permanently misplaced while being impregnated.

This was the first case on record of twins being born to non-conjoined mothers.

Surgeons described the unification as a success because they were paid big bucks in advance. Their medical team of 500 people – ranging in age from 45 to 199 lbs – slept peacefully during the complex operation; they were to be paid by the hour, anyhow, so, well, who cares?

The girls were born totally separate from one another, but now they share a common set of false teeth—and equally-false boyfriends.

In spite of popular demand MORE HOW-TO'S!

HOW TO -

1. Hammer in spikes using nothing but soap bubbles and overdone spaghetti
2. Officiate at the burial of illegal immigrant pygmies
3. Implant mammoth boobs on the butt of an anorexic ballerina
4. Cure hemorrhoids with an underwater piledriver
5. Exterminate a gunfighter by hurling a bible straight through his heart
6. Hide a bat in a blimp
7. Immerse your spouse in melted cheese without gunking up her jewelry
8. Choose suitable condoms for cats, turtles and leaky ballpoints
9. Select a gift for jobless expatriate werewolves
10. Serve carbonated drinks to thirsty goldfish

Send for my high-brow (yet free) how-to manuals!

HOW TO

• Re-launch fiery matzo balls that have landed near you during meteor showers
• Pass on to your friends what talking fish confess to you on the way to your psychiatric ward
• Organize your personal collection of pornographic insect songs
• Fortify your defenses against phantom ships and flying liquids or sounds
• Recognize phantom submarines as they submerge under your driveway or bedroom ceiling
• Use your U-curve telescope to hear phantom music and see deeper into your nasal passages
• Tap into your hidden wellsprings of despair
• Unleash the rampaging moron within you
• Avoid the taxman through self-immolation
• Befriend coy lepers without being obvious

What Would Happen if the President Dies?

A key President died at his desk in the White House.

As luck would have it, the event went unnoticed by staff and Secret Service guard for two terms, according to Fox News, following its well-known news policies.

White house staffers assumed the man was “silently poring over an intern” or a Secretary of State time, his pressed-secretary claimed.

“He worked alone a lot —knitting wicker condoms, practicing his elocution tongue- and thought-twisters, and spiffying-up for his impeachment,” she explained. Those having lunch with him were long-accustomed to his disappearances deep into his soup bowl during lunch, so they were somewhat surprised when, 8 years later, they were informed of his death and that he hadn’t taken a shower the whole while.

Bookies say his chances of re-election are slim unless he can find a post-mortem deodorant with real staying power.

The country of which he was President has not yet been iidentified.

Heretofore unknown proverbs from the James King Bible

He that desireth prosperity, with the help of the LORD shall find it easy as falling into duck soup or pie.

He who putteth all his eggs in one basket, if that basket be blessed by the Lord, shall, in the fullness of time, make out like a bandit.

He that seeketh the easy way out or cheap shortcuts may make out real good in the short run, but, in the long run will end up paying through dear nostrils.

He that attempteth and carry-outeth unsafe intersexual activity without the blessing of the Lord, even should he have half the sense of a goat, should prepare himself for big time medical bills.

Whosoever fails to hit the books, unless he cheateth with supreme cunning, surely as the sun riseth, flunketh.

How to Be a Pimple Donor

Donate a pimple or—as fancy-boy pro doctors call it, a “zit”—to someone who needs a flawful complexion! If you happen to be Catholic and dead, you could end up a saint!

Besides, the thrill of seeing your zit where it truly belongs will make you extremely joyful!

(Incidentally, all you read here applies just great to carbuncles, boils, pustules, welts, pocks, tumescence and a vast array of bumpy stuff and pus-filled growths!)

So:

Donate your unused cankers, carbuncles, blebs, tumors, warts and blemishes to kids if you’re their father, mother (or both).

If you’re not related by blood, results may not be perfect, but not really noticeable if you just remember to cremate the recipient beforehand.

Evaluate your health status, if any. Don’t donate if you have gangrene, rigor mortis, or if your farts glow purple under your blankets.

Be glad you’re you—and take joy in seeing your blemishes, bunions, whiteheads, hemorrhoids or blotches on the butt or cheek of someone who was in need. Without truly crappy skin, many people would be just another pretty face.

Take pleasure in the scars you have after your generous donation and, if possible, subtly camouflage them with smears of goat manure.

Enjoy!

The ten gifts you could most do without

1. “Safety-free” razor with “crush-it” power tourniquet!
2. 2-in-1 meatball and/or booger launcher!
3. 2-in-one palm-polish: For speedier handshakes and high-sensitivity self-pleasuring!
4. 50 hp power file to trim fingernails to knuckle-depth in a flash!
5. Bad-breath spray to maintain your breath-stink ALL DAY LONG!
6. Beginner’s suicide kit. Included: lifetime warranty!
7. Bolt-it-on marathon-runner's yarmulke!
8. DK toothpaste for tooth-free gums!
9. Manually powered stones for bird eradication!
10. Pre-prepared duck soup maker to make making duck soup duck soup!

Be the Life of the Funeral!

Why do some folks always star in social situations? Of course, at a funeral, the secret is easy, easy, easy: be dead.

If you happen to be alive, stardom is a bit trickier – but follow my tips and you’ll outshine the “star” of any funeral:

• Dress to kill. Wear something memorable, like a tasteful skull mask. Or carry a conversation-starter, like a bloody chainsaw, a three-headed infant or an explosive shoe.

• Make a grand entrance by blasting away with a tuba as you arrive. Or: have a pygmy hockey team trumpet your entrance with kazoos.

• Self-assurance is vital, so: stand ramrod straight and look people directly in the groin. People will feel there’s an exciting underlying reason you’re self-confident—cocaine perhaps, or a non-stop bi-polar “up.”

• Smile ferociously and make genital contact with every living being. As the funeral progresses, laugh wildly—especially during awkward silences! Exchange witty remarks with everyone, including those not present and long dead.

• Unearth embarrassing stuff about everyone you talk with. YOU CANNOT BRING SUCH A SUBJECT UP TOO OFTEN OR TOO LOUDLY if you're going to STAR! In this area, there is no such thing as overkill!
  

• Don’t get trapped with the same people all evening. Circulate! Either escape them or, if you can’t, fake a frothy, comic epileptic attack.

• Drink to VANQUISH control -- and keep a basketball in your mouth at all times while farting like a jet fighter. Bring: Death-bed joke books, a Goodyear blimp, and gallons of brand-name embalming fluid.

Shine!!!

Personal Mottoes I've Rejected

Don’t settle for being baggy-bellied and buffoon-like if, just as easily, you could be a flea-bitten barnacle.

Don’t settle for being canker-covered and dizzy-headed if, just as easily, you could be a disease-infested cockroach.

Don’t settle for being drool-mouthed and hunchback-kicking if, just as easily, you could be a blubber-bellied fart-burner.

Don’t settle for being maggot-headed and puny if, just as easily, you could be an oyster-slippery germ.

Don’t settle for being an idiotic dork if, just as easily, you could be a snot-slurping goat.

Don’t settle for being beetle-hearted and butt-brained if, just as easily, you could be a bug-eating sow.

Don’t settle for being cripple-killing and fish-brained if, just as easily, you could be a dizzy-thinking hedge-hog.

Don’t settle for being pig-bristled and slant-mouthed if, just as easily, you could be a reeking-footed lout.