How to handle your Moody Tangled-up Vertebrae -- Or Just About Any Other Bad-thing

It’s the bombshell everyone dreads—finding out that you have Moody Tangled-up Vertebrae (MTV)!

It happens like this: The doctor calls and asks to "chat" about your test results. You figure it might be that your punctuation-error screening test turned out positive. Or your buttered-popcorn level has skyrocketed downward. Or your earlobe flipping tests show fatal lobe-brittleness.

But no: Cruelly, without warning or, like a screw out of the blue, you find you’re battling MTV.

What happens next—especially if you’re a senseless klutz or a chronic farter?

That depends partly the diagnosis: An exploding kneecap scare brings one set of challenges, but a Vesuvius-sized brain-pimple is a whole other story.

FACT: there are basic steps all patients should take, no matter what the problem.

Yes! Roughly 100% of the experts say: FACE YOUR PROBLEM SQUARELY OR AT LEAST SORT OF RECTANGULARLY.

To these experts, we say: PIFFLE AND TRIPLE-PIFFLE!

The One True Way to face MTV, we say, is: with EYELIDS SCREWED TIGHT, RIGHT UP TO THE RIMS AND EVEN ABOVE THE RIMS!

From moody, twisty vertebrae to pouting, rebellious adenoids, or any of the other nasty slings or arrows that outrageous fortune dumps on you, the solution to your trial is definitive denial!

Moments before his all-out siesta...

Click on photo to enjoy
its full glory,
or lack thereof!

The Mysterious Sweeping Icon

Details hardly matter when you hear about the Miraculous Sweeping Icon, Our Lady of ZIP code 16551. She performs her miracles at the local synagogue whether Rabbi Schnit is there or not.

Example: A man brought holy bread (Levy’s Real Jewish Rye) to the synagogue every week. At first he arrived looking great and not just running but practically dashing fro and to.

A couple days later, instead of putting on the speed, he was sauntering.

Soon after, seemingly without effort, he took to a wheelchair. And now? After visiting, marveling at and making offerings to the Sweeping Icon, he’s hospitalized in a deep coma.

In fact, it was such a deep coma that, with his circumcision, doctors threw in a free autopsy!

Believers and normal people alike in ZIP code 16551 are truly blessed!

Man Frees Alligator From Girlfriend's Jaws

Florida – Today, one man’s morning walk turned into a dangerous love-triangle when his girlfriend mercilessly attacked an alligator that the man had never even seriously dated.

Michael Rubin took his girlfriend, Jawsy, for a walk near a swamp. She dashed ahead of Rubin to the edge of one of the lagoons.

Rubin heard a horrifying roar and the snapping of jaws. When he went to check, he saw an alligator clamped helplessly in her mouth. Rubin dove into the water, Tarzan style, and began bashing Jawsy with the sledgehammer he always carried with him for emergencies just such as this. She refused to let go and started rolling in the water with the alligator clamped tightly within her mighty jaws.

Rubin estimated his girlfriend was about 7-feet long. So is the alligator. The alligator – that shall remain nameless – was gashed and crushed, demoralized and began to have problems with its wisdom tooth on the upper left side.

Rubin immediately pried the alligator loose within a few short weeks and rushed it to a nearby animal hospital, where it was treated for cuts, puncture and a morbid fear it would be turned into a pair of shoes.

Then he brought it home, where it took up residence and it’s doing fine.

Jawsy returned to the lagoon for a very, very long swim.

Airline Pilot Caught Awake in Flight

A pilot for Sumo Airways awoke at the controls on a domestic flight.

On Friday a spokesman for the airline said the 50-year-old pilot woke up while flying from Tokyo's airport on a normally one-hour-long trip.

A transport official, in the cockpit for a routine inspection, said it was his considered opinion that, at 36,000 feet, the pilot could actually perform better awake.

"He was awake for fully 3 minutes," the spokesman said. “but that hardly poses danger, besides being lots quieter because the guy snored like a tornado.”

The spokesman, of course, did not tell the passengers the pilot was awake for fear of alarming them.

The pilot is also a taxi driver, never known to have fallen awake at the wheel.

Check your reading incomprehension!

FOR EXAMPLE:

Once unbegun, no action can be stopped, even by equal and opposite passivity.

For every action not equal to another equally similar inaction, there is an action that is far, far different.

You can get nowhere just by using the time that others waste in mere accomplishment.

For every inaction that is not equal, there is another that is equally unequal, or, you might say, the same.

No action, before begun, can be unbegun.

ACTION IS PROCRASTINATION POSTPONED.

Nothing, once you have not done it, can be postponed less.

When everything seems to be going against you, you would’ve been better off giving up sooner.

You can pretty well be sure you’ll get nowhere if you keep reading observations.

The higher your IQ, the dumber you can be about stuff people with lower IQ’s wouldn’t even begin to understand.