Wednesday, May 17, 2006

How to Be a Pimple Donor

Donate a pimple or—as fancy-boy pro doctors call it, a “zit”—to someone who needs a flawful complexion! If you happen to be Catholic and dead, you could end up a saint!

Besides, the thrill of seeing your zit where it truly belongs will make you extremely joyful!

(Incidentally, all you read here applies just great to carbuncles, boils, pustules, welts, pocks, tumescence and a vast array of bumpy stuff and pus-filled growths!)

So:

Donate your unused cankers, carbuncles, blebs, tumors, warts and blemishes to kids if you’re their father, mother (or both).

If you’re not related by blood, results may not be perfect, but not really noticeable if you just remember to cremate the recipient beforehand.

Evaluate your health status, if any. Don’t donate if you have gangrene, rigor mortis, or if your farts glow purple under your blankets.

Be glad you’re you—and take joy in seeing your blemishes, bunions, whiteheads, hemorrhoids or blotches on the butt or cheek of someone who was in need. Without truly crappy skin, many people would be just another pretty face.

Take pleasure in the scars you have after your generous donation and, if possible, subtly camouflage them with smears of goat manure.

Enjoy!

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