Be the Life of the Funeral!

Why do some folks always star in social situations? Of course, at a funeral, the secret is easy, easy, easy: be dead.

If you happen to be alive, stardom is a bit trickier – but follow my tips and you’ll outshine the “star” of any funeral:

• Dress to kill. Wear something memorable, like a tasteful skull mask. Or carry a conversation-starter, like a bloody chainsaw, a three-headed infant or an explosive shoe.

• Make a grand entrance by blasting away with a tuba as you arrive. Or: have a pygmy hockey team trumpet your entrance with kazoos.

• Self-assurance is vital, so: stand ramrod straight and look people directly in the groin. People will feel there’s an exciting underlying reason you’re self-confident—cocaine perhaps, or a non-stop bi-polar “up.”

• Smile ferociously and make genital contact with every living being. As the funeral progresses, laugh wildly—especially during awkward silences! Exchange witty remarks with everyone, including those not present and long dead.

• Unearth embarrassing stuff about everyone you talk with. YOU CANNOT BRING SUCH A SUBJECT UP TOO OFTEN OR TOO LOUDLY if you're going to STAR! In this area, there is no such thing as overkill!
  

• Don’t get trapped with the same people all evening. Circulate! Either escape them or, if you can’t, fake a frothy, comic epileptic attack.

• Drink to VANQUISH control -- and keep a basketball in your mouth at all times while farting like a jet fighter. Bring: Death-bed joke books, a Goodyear blimp, and gallons of brand-name embalming fluid.

Shine!!!