1968: TWO FISHERMEN BEING PICTURESQUE

1968: TWO FISHERMEN BEING PICTURESQUE
Originally uploaded by qwurky.

This was up in Scotland, and, with my TOTALLY NUDE right index finger, I pressed the shutter-button -- and this is what the camera saw.

Most likely, both of these guys refuse fish for dinner 7 days a week: I know I would!

As you can't see, the little boats are brightly painted so you can tell them apart even if you don't know how to read. The men are called by different names so that if you shout you can tell each one's name by watching which one doesn't turn around.

If you're not in Scotland now, maybe you should think about it -- and, since I get no commission from the Scottish Tourist Board, you could send me a souvenir if you make it there -- like maybe a nice Dover sole.

Space-age sit-ups!

Space-age sit-ups!
Originally uploaded by qwurky.

This is a new kind of sit-up: just make yourself comfy ABOVE what you'd usually be sitting ON.


The benefits to the TOTALLY NUDE abdominal muscles are STUPENDOUS!

Try it!

You'll have a rock-hard stomach before you know it - unless you forget how to float and end up with a post right up through your personal areas and intothe gut!

Don't tell ANYONE where and how you got those brand-new washboard abs!

1969: Kid in Cain Park, Cleveland Heights, Ohio

1969: Kid in Cain Park, Cleveland Heights, Ohio
Originally uploaded by qwurky.

Yes, indeed! This is the famous movie star you thought it was, just 38 short years before he hit his peak!

I was fortunate enough, when I took this shot, to get his autograph because he didn't realize he would be world-famous and a truly snooty guy in later life.

For reusable stencils of his tennis shoe prints, which I, in a moment of great foresight, made that day, phone me here in Barcelona. Your stencil will be mailed to you within 3 generations or whenever the Commander-in-Chief admits being to blame for any mistake he might have made -- whichever comes first.

I look forward to not hearing from you! Yes, indeed! This is the famous movie star you thought it was, just 38 short years before he hit his peak!

I look forward to not hearing from you!

1963: The man who mistook his hat for a urinal!

1963: The man who mistook his hat for a urinal!
Originally uploaded by qwurky.

Accidents happen. And misjudgments. But this one was particularly unfortunate.

Mistaking his hat for a urinal wasn't so bad -- except that he tried to use it while it was still on his head!

There was trouble -- especially when this happened 400 times in a row (see what looks like water in the background!), but far worse was that he mistook his wife for a hat, vaguely similar to the famous case described by neurologist, Dr. Oliver Sacks.

You don't want to know the details of my case (not Sacks', which is fascinating) on an empty stomach.

Anyhow: I took this photo in 1963, in Germany, when I was still dumber than now.

1968: SHRECK, LOOKING GREAT

1968: SHRECK, LOOKING GREAT
Originally uploaded by qwurky.

I could not have done this without Shreck's total cooperation, which you rarely get from TOTALLY NUDE beings!

"Shreck," as you probably know, means "terror", or something like that in German, which Shreck definitely was NOT.

I don't miss him, but I do remember him - especially now.

1963: PROOF THAT ONE MAN'S ANTI-WRINKLE CREAM DOESN'T WORK

1963: PROOF THAT ONE MAN'S ANTI-WRINKLE CREAM DOESN'T WORK
Originally uploaded by qwurky.

He's 34 if he's a day, but for sure -- ABSOLUTELY sure!-- his youth doesn't show at ALL!

I took this near Stuttgart, Germany while this guy and I were talking about cosmic stuff like how the world would be in, say, 1970. He paused a moment, kind of looking ahead, I'd say, maybe asking himself if he'd still be around.

It turns out he didn't last much longer, but his photo hasn't faded and his look is just as bright as then, although only in two dimensions. Makes me think of the Oliver Wendell Holmes poem, "The Last Leaf."

Funny: when I took this, I never dreamed the world would make it to Orwell's famous 1984, but it seems to have not only reached that famous year but gone past it in "double-speak," "double-think" and "Big Brother is Watching You."

If my man here had known what was waiting, maybe he wouldn't have been disappointed not to be around.

As for me, I'm happy to be here, even if only in imagination, which is what my life often seems to be.

What about YOU? He's 34 if he's a day, but for sure -- ABSOLUTELY sure!-- his youth doesn't slow at ALL!

I took this near Stuttgart, Germany while this guy and I were talking about cosmic stuff like how the world would be in, say, 1970. He paused a moment, kind of looking ahead, I'd say, maybe asking himself if he'd still be around.

It turns out he didn't last much longer, but his photo hasn't faded and his look is just as bright as then, although only in two dimensions. Makes me think of the Oliver Wendell Holmes poem, "The Last Leaf."

Funny: when I took this, I never dreamed the world would make it to Orwell's famous 1984, but it seems to have not only reached that famous year but gone past it in "double-speak," "double-think" and "Big Brother is Watching You."

If my man here had known what was waiting, maybe he wouldn't have been disappointed not to be around.

As for me, I'm happy to be here, even if only in imagination, which is what my life often seems to be.

What about YOU?

JOYCE IN 1968: WORLD'S SMOOTHEST, CURVIEST CLEANING LADY

JOYCE, WORLD'S SMOOTHEST, CURVIEST CLEANING LADY
Originally uploaded by qwurky.

Well, no, she wasn't really our cleaning lady, but that's what we always used to say, joking.

She liked showing off her body -- and I don't blame her -- and, one time she went to the Cleveland Art Museum in a "dress" you could VERY EASILY read through, and though she wasn't TOTALLY NUDE underneath, because, for example, she was wearing shoes, she did get some fascinated attention.

She put this photo -- very large -- on her mantelpiece, and got some rave reviews, as I remember, whichi s a real tribute to the quality of the Hasselblad camera, isn't it?

THE DANCER LAYS CEMENT

THE DANCER LAYS CEMENT
Originally uploaded by qwurky.

He's not really a dancer, but at the distance between my terrace and the gym across the street where he was doing his stuff, it SEEMED like he was one of those famous guys from the movies.

No matter: the gym is up and running -- FINALLY! -- but not that many people are coming in.

(In the previous version of this gym, it was ALL GIRLS and they sunned themselves out there TOPLESS and BRONZED. I could have easily thrown them a Frisbee, but decided i was getting too self-conscious with them staring at me all the time.

At least I was actually safe from their direct enticements because of the narrow street that separated us! TOPLESS girls 7 days a week! Who could ask for more? Nobody - because, basically, there ARE only 7 days in the week.)

Portrait of Harold, just before we left the USA, 1972

NIAGARA FALLS BEFORE LEAVING US, 1972
Originally uploaded by qwurky.

The doctor had said that he was in great health, except that he would soon die, strange and sad as that may seem.

A WONDERFUL guy who listened, said little, knew lots and cared.

A 125th of a second with the girls and swans, Germany, 1963

A 125th of a second with the girls and swans, Germany, 1963
Originally uploaded by qwurky.

I figure they must be 43 years older now, both the girls and the swans.

Or maybe they're still where they were, poised, anxious to see if the swans swim closer, majestically, calmly and serenly, like years passing.

Who knows? Maybe the girls decided to move into the future after all and are here in this world in this time -- and maybe one of them is YOU -- but, to be honest, probably not.

Or...are you one of the swans?

FUZZ-MAN IN MONTREAL, 1968

FUZZ-MAN IN MONTREAL, 1968
Originally uploaded by qwurky.

In this shot, I thought I saw him like he saw the world.

Now, I, myself see as he saw, which is what cataracts can do to you - and it's very lucky for me that my Nikon D-70s is fast and automatic to focus, because I'm not.

"Slim" Kalery at rest, CLEVELAND, 1967

"Slim" Kalery at rest, CLEVELAND, 1967
Originally uploaded by qwurky.

Even world-class marathon runners have to take it easy every once in a while -- and so it is with "Slim."

When his hair begins to have a political agenda, his bicep start pouting and his kidneys demand the right to use the family car, well, he knows it's time to slow down from a dead stop -- a feat which only the greatest resters even attempt.

He held this position for 30 minutes before holding it for another half-hour.

Was that hour half-full, or half-alive?

Uploaded by qwurky on 24 Oct '06, 11.59pm CEST.

Even world-class marathon runners have to take it easy every once in a while -- and so it is with "Slim."

When his hair begins to have a political agenda, his bicep start pouting and his kidneys demand the right to use the family car, well, he knows it's time to slow down from a dead stop -- a feat which only the greatest resters even attempt.

He held this position for 30 minutes before holding it for another half-hour.

Was that hour half-full, or half-alive?

Uploaded by qwurky on 24 Oct '06, 11.59pm CEST.

ON MY WAY TO WORK, TOO EARLY, 1965

ON MY WAY TO WORK, TOO EARLY, 1965
Originally uploaded by qwurky.

This was taken before I woke up. You should've seen me when I regained consciousness!

HALF-FULL OR HALF EMPTY?

HALF-FULL OR HALF EMPTY?
Originally uploaded by qwurky.

If you’re an optimist, you think I’m going to skip the half-empty and half-full clichés.

If you’re a realist, you know bettera

If you’re standing on your head, you see that the bottle’s right-side up, and you wonder why your computer monitor’s crashing off your desk as you read this.

I’m not all that profound today (or ever!), so you write the rest of this.

I’m going out now for a drink.

The Wrong Tool for the Job Inevitably leads to Screw-ups

The Wrong Tool for the Job Inevitably leads to Screw-ups
Originally uploaded by qwurky.

I never told you about when a surgeon slashed out a watermelon-big cyst from my brain, using not a scalpel but a machete, did I?

Maybe one reason was that
1. It never happened, and another, that
2. I didn’t want to scare you away from surgeons in case you believed me because you thought I was lying when I told you I was lying.

Anyhow: what’s the story of the broom and the screw? It should be evident: I tried 45,005 times to pound in the screw using the broom. No luck, of course!

Not only that, but the broom handle missiled-up like a javelin into the sky, piercing a puffy cloud – and the air squirted out of the cloud and it plummeted down like an anvil!

I know George W Bush could have done better, even TOTALLY NUDE, even worried as he isn’t about Iraq and though he might be distracted by busty chicks in the press corps and an overwhelming fear of losing his job to a Muslim better qualified than he to pronounce words like “nucular” real, real good.

So, that’s the story.

If you followed it, you’re as nuts as I am.

Lighter-than-air dumbells

Lighter-than-air dumbells
Originally uploaded by qwurky.

I secured these in the DOWN position manipulating a powerful magnet below using my TOTALLY NUDE hands and tenderly caressing my affection-starved kneecaps all the while.

These dumbells work absolutely great; each one has the lifting-power of the Goodyear Blimp, and the strength you need to hold them DOWN is 33% more efficient for building biceps and grotesque umbilical ruptures!

The photo of my belly-button will be online soon -- but only to selected MATURE viewers!

Just one of those photos I always wanted to take, and today nobody stopped me

Just one of those photos I always wanted to take, and today nobody stopped me
Originally uploaded by qwurky.

I get the feeling, looking at this, that it’s Putin, but, if it were, most likely, he would have turned around to ask me for my autograph – which he definitely did NOT do.

By the way: did I ever tell you – any of you who happen to be reading this – how I ran into King Juan Carlos of Spain around the corner from here?

Wow! In those days, he was pictured on the Peseta bills and then – shock! – there he was, strolling straight toward me, and he didn’t seem to have any guards around him or anything. And he was wearing casual slacks and -- well, the bodyguards were way out of sight behind him, as I remember. But how strange to see in living color and 3D a face you saw every day engraved on the currency!

You’re wondering if I asked him for his autograph, aren’t you?

Well, he didn’t ask me for mine, and I didn’t ask for his – and so he went on working his day job running the country, or whatever kings do.

OPEN YOUR MOUTH JUST AN INCH, AND IN GOES A WHOLE FOOT

CLOSED MOUTHS HOLD NO FEET
Originally uploaded by qwurky.

You probably know this better than I do, so I shouldn't go running off at the keyboard.

-- But I DID!

(Is it better to learn too late or too wrong?)

MEN WHO STAY THE COURSE!

MEN WHO STAY THE COURSE!
Originally uploaded by qwurky.

Never confuse this "George W Bush" with any other "George W Bush" of the same -- or any other name!

Prestige does not need to be SEEN when the wearer knows what's what and wears it!

Support the cause of staying the course!

The man too embarrassed to go out wearing green boots

The man too embarrassed to go out wearing green boots
Originally uploaded by qwurky.

So very fashion conscious! Well, he thought green boots would be too loony to wear in public, so he stuck to black.

But this is Barcelona! People understand that black is ALWAYS in style except at formal autopsies!

Anyhow, with those boots - clashing horribly with the rest of his outfit -- people are sure to snicker, whine, groan and reject him in the highest social circles.

Remember the principle here if you want to get anywhere with the VIP's of the world or run for King of the United States!So very fashion conscious! Well, he thought green boots would be too loony to wear in public, so he stuck to black.

But this is Barcelona! People understand that black is ALWAYS in style except at formal autopsies!

Anyhow, with those boots - clashing horribly with the rest of his outfit -- people are sure to snicker, whine, groan and reject him in the highest social circles.

Remember the principle here if you want to get anywhere with the VIP's of the world or run for next King of the United States!