Letters from the desperate

Dear Qwurky,

I’m a 15 year-old Sumo-wrestling leprechaun (and part-time werewolf) and my daddy just won a prize for going headless, right through the bored people on the boardwalk. My new “mother” moved in with us this morning with her two dickless kids “Mike” (13) and “Janna” (7).

My pre-mortem life has been a day-mare ever since, because I tend to be female, weighing less than 90 pounds yet exceeding 200 tons. Life, for me, is like chug-a-lugging cocktails ladled from a cess-pool.

“Mike” picks on me nonstop—on my pimples, nose, the excellence of my farting, my teeth (both of them!) and especially on my etc.!

He calls me names and even numbers (up to 4,005!) and makes fun of me in front of all my friend, Dick. I also had a genderless boy call me for a sex-a-thon the other day and I hung up on him, although he’d actually “called me” by smoke signals!

Meanwhile, the “real” Mike got pissed off, thinking he’d get stuck if the charges for the smoke signals has been reversed.

“Janna” is worse: she swiped my soap (a 4-ton bar) so I made her use it as a suppository!

She’s still washing away epithelia even as I write! Not even a CSI-guy like Grissom could find a trace!

Also, she barrels, slithers, sidles, creeps and marches into my room and goes through my things when I am not there. (By “things,” I mean my adenoids, my very personal sexual areas and – gasp! – my pre-eaten HO-HO’s)!

She also takes things without saying a word, especially now, since I amputated her mouth.

I try to tell my dad about this, but he doesn’t care, especially, since he married Janna because, like he always said, he was hot for any chick who wouldn’t give him lip.

Actually, my dad doesn’t even hear me; he’s too damn lazy to crank up the generator his hearing aid runs on. He doesn’t have any time for me anymore, so our sex-life has gone straight down the tubes.

He wants “Janna” and “Mike” to like him so much they get away with murder – Daddy even lets them wear burning bikinis, wigs and camouflage make-up.

How can I get my dad’s attention back and make him love me as much as he loves sharking Pitbulls?

Indiana loser