How to handle your Moody Tangled-up Vertebrae -- Or Just About Any Other Bad-thing

It’s the bombshell everyone dreads—finding out that you have Moody Tangled-up Vertebrae (MTV)!

It happens like this: The doctor calls and asks to "chat" about your test results. You figure it might be that your punctuation-error screening test turned out positive. Or your buttered-popcorn level has skyrocketed downward. Or your earlobe flipping tests show fatal lobe-brittleness.

But no: Cruelly, without warning or, like a screw out of the blue, you find you’re battling MTV.

What happens next—especially if you’re a senseless klutz or a chronic farter?

That depends partly the diagnosis: An exploding kneecap scare brings one set of challenges, but a Vesuvius-sized brain-pimple is a whole other story.

FACT: there are basic steps all patients should take, no matter what the problem.

Yes! Roughly 100% of the experts say: FACE YOUR PROBLEM SQUARELY OR AT LEAST SORT OF RECTANGULARLY.

To these experts, we say: PIFFLE AND TRIPLE-PIFFLE!

The One True Way to face MTV, we say, is: with EYELIDS SCREWED TIGHT, RIGHT UP TO THE RIMS AND EVEN ABOVE THE RIMS!

From moody, twisty vertebrae to pouting, rebellious adenoids, or any of the other nasty slings or arrows that outrageous fortune dumps on you, the solution to your trial is definitive denial!

Moments before his all-out siesta...

Click on photo to enjoy
its full glory,
or lack thereof!

The Mysterious Sweeping Icon

Details hardly matter when you hear about the Miraculous Sweeping Icon, Our Lady of ZIP code 16551. She performs her miracles at the local synagogue whether Rabbi Schnit is there or not.

Example: A man brought holy bread (Levy’s Real Jewish Rye) to the synagogue every week. At first he arrived looking great and not just running but practically dashing fro and to.

A couple days later, instead of putting on the speed, he was sauntering.

Soon after, seemingly without effort, he took to a wheelchair. And now? After visiting, marveling at and making offerings to the Sweeping Icon, he’s hospitalized in a deep coma.

In fact, it was such a deep coma that, with his circumcision, doctors threw in a free autopsy!

Believers and normal people alike in ZIP code 16551 are truly blessed!

Man Frees Alligator From Girlfriend's Jaws

Florida – Today, one man’s morning walk turned into a dangerous love-triangle when his girlfriend mercilessly attacked an alligator that the man had never even seriously dated.

Michael Rubin took his girlfriend, Jawsy, for a walk near a swamp. She dashed ahead of Rubin to the edge of one of the lagoons.

Rubin heard a horrifying roar and the snapping of jaws. When he went to check, he saw an alligator clamped helplessly in her mouth. Rubin dove into the water, Tarzan style, and began bashing Jawsy with the sledgehammer he always carried with him for emergencies just such as this. She refused to let go and started rolling in the water with the alligator clamped tightly within her mighty jaws.

Rubin estimated his girlfriend was about 7-feet long. So is the alligator. The alligator – that shall remain nameless – was gashed and crushed, demoralized and began to have problems with its wisdom tooth on the upper left side.

Rubin immediately pried the alligator loose within a few short weeks and rushed it to a nearby animal hospital, where it was treated for cuts, puncture and a morbid fear it would be turned into a pair of shoes.

Then he brought it home, where it took up residence and it’s doing fine.

Jawsy returned to the lagoon for a very, very long swim.

Airline Pilot Caught Awake in Flight

A pilot for Sumo Airways awoke at the controls on a domestic flight.

On Friday a spokesman for the airline said the 50-year-old pilot woke up while flying from Tokyo's airport on a normally one-hour-long trip.

A transport official, in the cockpit for a routine inspection, said it was his considered opinion that, at 36,000 feet, the pilot could actually perform better awake.

"He was awake for fully 3 minutes," the spokesman said. “but that hardly poses danger, besides being lots quieter because the guy snored like a tornado.”

The spokesman, of course, did not tell the passengers the pilot was awake for fear of alarming them.

The pilot is also a taxi driver, never known to have fallen awake at the wheel.

Check your reading incomprehension!

FOR EXAMPLE:

Once unbegun, no action can be stopped, even by equal and opposite passivity.

For every action not equal to another equally similar inaction, there is an action that is far, far different.

You can get nowhere just by using the time that others waste in mere accomplishment.

For every inaction that is not equal, there is another that is equally unequal, or, you might say, the same.

No action, before begun, can be unbegun.

ACTION IS PROCRASTINATION POSTPONED.

Nothing, once you have not done it, can be postponed less.

When everything seems to be going against you, you would’ve been better off giving up sooner.

You can pretty well be sure you’ll get nowhere if you keep reading observations.

The higher your IQ, the dumber you can be about stuff people with lower IQ’s wouldn’t even begin to understand.

Youth!

One of the neighbors
at the end of
his tether

Joy CAN be OK!

A little bit of joy, endured for the right reasons,
can actually be healthy.
Try it -- but with caution.

Tough Summit Conference on Wine Consumption

Thorny decisions must be tackled:
Wines must be cautiously
evaluated through repeated tasting and re-tasting.


--and re-tasting before re-re-tasting.

Decisions, decisions, decisions!

Antoni Gaudi Stairway

This is, of course, in Barcelona, where I live,
but not in a place tourists hit often.
It's just a private home I snuck
into the backyard of
and snapped
this.


Beauty is everywhere, if you're
lucky and looking.

Charlie and me in the woods where we weren't

I am Charlie's human (left). He was my dog.
We weren't really in the woods,
and I, personally, am
not out of the woods yet.

Cheerful red-circle guy in Barcelona Plaza

FIGHT FOR
DISEASE-FREE
PHONE-SEX!

Mr. Twstr. Barcelona Post Office. Yesterday.

Bill O'Reilly, Courage and No-Spin

I did not have the courage to appear on Bill O'Reilly's program on Fox News -- The O'Reilly Spin Factor -- and, moreover, I didn't even have the courage to be invited to do so.
So there! I've made my admission and I hope that ends the whole political agenda and that we can continue our lives without talk of George W. Bush and Vice-President Cheney and Secretary of State Rice! Politics is (or would that be ARE?) vitally important in a free society -- but not 24/7.
So that's the end of it. Maybe I can stay the course and just try to write my blog like I started to do: no politics, no agenda, no meaning.

Logic in Action!

A bird killed in flight, all other things being equal, tends to descend not only each and every, but all and only one time.

A circle with an infinitely small diameter is equal in size and length to a line whose ends are in the same place.

A couple consisting of three is one short of two groups neither of which is a crowd.

A pair of socks with one sock missing cannot be matched to an equal and opposite pair.

A straight line with both ends and middle missing is either missing itself or in the form of an infinitely small point.

Accurate addition of 2 plus 2 tends to result in quantities over 1.5.

Millionaire innocent of suicide and self-dismemberment

Eccentric, moody millionaire Bob Kutt, accidentally committed suicide in self-defense—that is, to defend himself against himself. Then, panicked, he dismembered his body.

Every part of him was found innocent.

The verdict ended a grisly case that began when a choice selection of Kutt’s body parts washed up on a beach.

Kutt was stunned when he heard the verdict; his mouth hung open down to his ankles and his eyes filled with tears. The 60-year-old millionaire hugged his attorneys and sweetly murmured: “Your checks are in the mail.”

Kutt is still under suspicion in the disappearance of

• all of his first wife and
• her Siamese twin by another father.

To escape, he posed as an invisible mute woman.

In a risky, all-or-nothing strategy by the defense, the jury was allowed to consider only the suicide, not lesser charges of

• shoplifting,
• lousy posture
• sloppy butchering.

Kutt’s head was never recovered. The one he had in court was an off-the-shelf job from a local lettuce boutique.

Kutt came under suspicion after cops found a receipt with his name on it in trash bags containing his remains. When arrested, Kutt skipped bail and fled, apparently having lost his head.

He was a fugitive for 6 weeks. But then he got caught shoplifting sawdust when a storekeeper wouldn’t change a $530,000,000 bill. When caught, Kutt was armed and headed.

Kutt is the son of the ever-late Seymour Kutt who refused to comment although he was not asked for one.

This is me on the outside.

Stuff that's in my brain, located on the inside, is sometimes reflected in this blog.

(As I write this, I'm imaginging a highly-reflective blog - one you can look into and see yourself in.)

Surgeons join born-separate twins

Doctors at the world-renowned Schlemiel Clinic in Umbilical, Utah (Motto: “A Place to Putrefy.”) did it: They joined 2000-month-old twin girls in holy “twin-lock” at the pinkie. The girls were born unmarried.

Oilette and Toilette were joined in a seven-second procedure, (excluding commercials). It would have ended quicker, but half-way through, a third twin was permanently misplaced while being impregnated.

This was the first case on record of twins being born to non-conjoined mothers.

Surgeons described the unification as a success because they were paid big bucks in advance. Their medical team of 500 people – ranging in age from 45 to 199 lbs – slept peacefully during the complex operation; they were to be paid by the hour, anyhow, so, well, who cares?

The girls were born totally separate from one another, but now they share a common set of false teeth—and equally-false boyfriends.