Seconds before winning the World Yawning Championship!

A family asks, ‘Why?’

Girl strangles pet germ!

Stunned family members can't fully accept the death of a germ at the hands of a 9-year-old heterosexual girl.

Little Luna Cruz didn’t leave a note before locking her pet germ in the toilet and strangling it with prehistoric dental floss.

Her brother Roger Carrion, 128, discovered its lifeless body while casually examining the toilet with his $4 trillion electron microscope, official “CSI” forensics kit, and his 88-man scrutiny team.

Friends said Luna was shy when dressed, but outgoing and out-putting among male playmates.

Her brother saw no warning signs leading up to the murder.

He said the Luna had been trying on her new school strait jacket and skirt before heading up to the bathroom.

“She didn’t utter a word, or even say one. She just slid quietly up the stairway banister,” he said.

He said Luna was in a good mood, except for the first couple dozen hours Sunday.

“The only thing we can figure,” said the girl’s brother, “is that for fear of infecting her germ and causing it a painful death, she decided to end things quickly and fast yet rapidly with haste and dispatch.”

Luna was not available for comment or, for that matter, for anything, since she self-autopsied herself just before I wrote this.

XXX

You shouldn’t have read this article, should you?

USA ponders flying suicide pig attacks

US spy chiefs are considering training pigs to zoom over enemy targets. They (the pigs, not the chiefs!) would carry two tons of explosives each.

Plans are on hold until “The Decider” decides over which country this would be suitable. “The Decider”, since he is the one who decides, will decide exactly how much freedom and liberty this plan would provide to those killed.

American intelligence has set up a “pig committee” to potty-train the animals (the pigs, not the chiefs!) not dump where it would be politically excremental.

Right Wing media Leaks reveal a vital CIA warning: “Pig research won’t stand still; if we don’t experiment, other powers will – and they (The Bad People) may not be liberty-and-freedom-loving nor directly in touch with God.”

Another CIA proposal is to train pigs to fly into enemy searchlights and pooh upon them in vast amounts.

Meanwhile, pig experts (technically called “piggists”) suggest a “german warfare agent” could be used – or maybe something that’s taboo, like boogers.

Possible bottleneck: At the moment, pigs can't fly.

This is Mariano, Fighter for Liberty, Freedom and Parking Space!

Notice the lack of resemblance between Mariano a world-famous entertainer who is now dead but forgotten.

Mariano is the King of Parking around here.

Look for him if you're on c/ Balmes near the Travesera de Gracia.

Do Muslims Keep Kosher?

Condi Rice, George W Bush, Tony Snow and many others have avoided answering the above question -- and few Muslims have spoken out, either.

Why? I know not. But you can help!

Please help clarify this matter, if you can, by posting a comment on my blog.

I thank you in advance!

Could this REALLY be Mel Gibson?

Understandably, thesedays, Gibson maintains a low profile -- so low, in fact, our staff isn't sure this is really him in the flesh about to visit the Santa Catarina Market, La Pedrera, Barcelona at night and Don Quixote.

If you can make a positive identification, please notify me.

Thank you!

I didn't write this sentence!

Stress management inaction!

 

My Straight answer to the Millions

Literally thousands of hundreds of millions of you have disregarded my blog fully and completely in the manner of George W Bush or Vice President Cheney. It is time, therefore, to affirm my disbelieve that any public figure anywhere, including within the United States has acted really great.

Britney Spears apart, there has been a great morally ethically-free decline in freedom-loving beings everywhere. In fact, we should include Condi Rice in those forming an element of some group of those with whom she is classified. Am I right on that???

See? You simply do not have the courage of your beliefs on this point, whatever it may be.

And neither do I.

So let us together, rally round and avoid pornographic punctuation and other such things which is it unsafe for kiddies and or adults to read, or even look at the pictures of!!

The filthiest punctuation mark by FAR, as you know from personal experience and heart-rending indifference is the exclamation point. Avoid it!

Fox News -- My Honest Perspective

There is nothing anything like Fox News ANYWHERE except wherever you have a Fox News channel.

You see? I am one of the few inappropriate people who dares to speak out like a true coward on this contraversial subject!

Bill O'Reilly is definitely what he well and truly is, has been and is becoming - and I defy anyone to contradict me on this!

I dare to have the cowardice of my convictions.

Do YOU?

Perversion, pornography and persuasion

Several elements in today's society are driving everyone to lunacy: Pornographic inappropriatness, perverse persuasion and, of course, persuasive perversion.

I know you already realized these things, and so I mention them so you won't overtax your brain with new thoughts.

The emptiness of my remarks should and could be a relief.

Enjoy it -- and take out some time to get those brain cells jiggling from great thoughts, dreams and soaring ideals.

Avoid exclamation points!

Mideast crisis solved at last!

It is a pleasure to even imagine a headline like the one above, considering what's happening now in the mideast.
We all know whose fault the problems are.
Thank God the politicians are working hand-over-fist to bring peace and wealth to everyone!
Where would we be without politicians and their hands and their fists, anyhow?

I don't know.

You don't care.

I don't care, either.

-- But I hope we all survive...

Young lady admires old girl with white hair

 

Santa Caterina Market Fact

Note well: This blog is the only one on the web (or anywhere else) that does NOT mention the Santa Caterina Market!!

How to handle your Moody Tangled-up Vertebrae -- Or Just About Any Other Bad-thing

It’s the bombshell everyone dreads—finding out that you have Moody Tangled-up Vertebrae (MTV)!

It happens like this: The doctor calls and asks to "chat" about your test results. You figure it might be that your punctuation-error screening test turned out positive. Or your buttered-popcorn level has skyrocketed downward. Or your earlobe flipping tests show fatal lobe-brittleness.

But no: Cruelly, without warning or, like a screw out of the blue, you find you’re battling MTV.

What happens next—especially if you’re a senseless klutz or a chronic farter?

That depends partly the diagnosis: An exploding kneecap scare brings one set of challenges, but a Vesuvius-sized brain-pimple is a whole other story.

FACT: there are basic steps all patients should take, no matter what the problem.

Yes! Roughly 100% of the experts say: FACE YOUR PROBLEM SQUARELY OR AT LEAST SORT OF RECTANGULARLY.

To these experts, we say: PIFFLE AND TRIPLE-PIFFLE!

The One True Way to face MTV, we say, is: with EYELIDS SCREWED TIGHT, RIGHT UP TO THE RIMS AND EVEN ABOVE THE RIMS!

From moody, twisty vertebrae to pouting, rebellious adenoids, or any of the other nasty slings or arrows that outrageous fortune dumps on you, the solution to your trial is definitive denial!

Moments before his all-out siesta...

Click on photo to enjoy
its full glory,
or lack thereof!

The Mysterious Sweeping Icon

Details hardly matter when you hear about the Miraculous Sweeping Icon, Our Lady of ZIP code 16551. She performs her miracles at the local synagogue whether Rabbi Schnit is there or not.

Example: A man brought holy bread (Levy’s Real Jewish Rye) to the synagogue every week. At first he arrived looking great and not just running but practically dashing fro and to.

A couple days later, instead of putting on the speed, he was sauntering.

Soon after, seemingly without effort, he took to a wheelchair. And now? After visiting, marveling at and making offerings to the Sweeping Icon, he’s hospitalized in a deep coma.

In fact, it was such a deep coma that, with his circumcision, doctors threw in a free autopsy!

Believers and normal people alike in ZIP code 16551 are truly blessed!

Man Frees Alligator From Girlfriend's Jaws

Florida – Today, one man’s morning walk turned into a dangerous love-triangle when his girlfriend mercilessly attacked an alligator that the man had never even seriously dated.

Michael Rubin took his girlfriend, Jawsy, for a walk near a swamp. She dashed ahead of Rubin to the edge of one of the lagoons.

Rubin heard a horrifying roar and the snapping of jaws. When he went to check, he saw an alligator clamped helplessly in her mouth. Rubin dove into the water, Tarzan style, and began bashing Jawsy with the sledgehammer he always carried with him for emergencies just such as this. She refused to let go and started rolling in the water with the alligator clamped tightly within her mighty jaws.

Rubin estimated his girlfriend was about 7-feet long. So is the alligator. The alligator – that shall remain nameless – was gashed and crushed, demoralized and began to have problems with its wisdom tooth on the upper left side.

Rubin immediately pried the alligator loose within a few short weeks and rushed it to a nearby animal hospital, where it was treated for cuts, puncture and a morbid fear it would be turned into a pair of shoes.

Then he brought it home, where it took up residence and it’s doing fine.

Jawsy returned to the lagoon for a very, very long swim.

Airline Pilot Caught Awake in Flight

A pilot for Sumo Airways awoke at the controls on a domestic flight.

On Friday a spokesman for the airline said the 50-year-old pilot woke up while flying from Tokyo's airport on a normally one-hour-long trip.

A transport official, in the cockpit for a routine inspection, said it was his considered opinion that, at 36,000 feet, the pilot could actually perform better awake.

"He was awake for fully 3 minutes," the spokesman said. “but that hardly poses danger, besides being lots quieter because the guy snored like a tornado.”

The spokesman, of course, did not tell the passengers the pilot was awake for fear of alarming them.

The pilot is also a taxi driver, never known to have fallen awake at the wheel.

Check your reading incomprehension!

FOR EXAMPLE:

Once unbegun, no action can be stopped, even by equal and opposite passivity.

For every action not equal to another equally similar inaction, there is an action that is far, far different.

You can get nowhere just by using the time that others waste in mere accomplishment.

For every inaction that is not equal, there is another that is equally unequal, or, you might say, the same.

No action, before begun, can be unbegun.

ACTION IS PROCRASTINATION POSTPONED.

Nothing, once you have not done it, can be postponed less.

When everything seems to be going against you, you would’ve been better off giving up sooner.

You can pretty well be sure you’ll get nowhere if you keep reading observations.

The higher your IQ, the dumber you can be about stuff people with lower IQ’s wouldn’t even begin to understand.