The ULTIMATE headache remedy!

Jockstrap facts and tips in a nutshell!

Describing a too-tight jockstrap is virtually impossible without using your hands

A new, new, new type of tap dancer!

 

If there was any dancer who could REALLY be dubbed "tip-top" -- or would that be "tip-TAP"? -- she's it -- especially when she switches the rubber tips of her crutches for big-time professional orchestral CYMBALS!

 An observation of something you might've been astute enough to overlook:

A bird killed in flight, all other things being equal, tends to descend not only each and every, but all and only one time.

Can you face YOUR problems without resorting to tattoos?

What you see here may be the modern version of the ostrich
hiding its head in the sand.  Think about it!

Neighbor-lady, as viewed from my terrace!

From my apartment, there's a great view of not only the pool, but of the deck chairs and, sunning themselves toplessly, female personnel! 
It's GREAT (if you like that sort of stuff)!

Fashion trend-setter!

Could YOU EVER match the elegance and sheer ZAP of this man's fashion sense?

The fountain of youth FUBARS again!

 Actually, of course, you should DRINK from the fountain, not SMOKE what it spurts out!

Liquids are really lousy for smoking, especially if you inhale!

ALSO:  they may fairly-totally wreck your skin, eyes, lips and, of course,  your etc. 

Proof:  study the photo of this sexy 15-year-old Mess America bikini winner!

If it looks like a pig, smells like one, and eats like one, is it your Uncle Joe?

 

I took this photo before discovering the pig filter for my camera, an ESSENTIAL tool for those of us who can't be bothered to photoshop out the pigs in their family snaps!

Pink toenails and glossy knees! Yummy!

Although bus tickets now cost a fortune, if you truly appreciate pink toenails, that fortune seems seems really cheap!

An observation

Alexander Hamilton started the US Treasure with a balance of nothing.
I wonder:
will it ever get that high again?

Getting OUT of a slump is easy compared to PERFECTING the slump you've got!

If you're going to slump, DO IT RIGHT: scrunch down deep in yourself until there isn't a straight place anywhere in your body!

Study the photo and learn!

(Are you forgetting to slump AT THIS VERY MOMENT?

Yes?

Then start thinking BENT!)

When?

NOW or IMMEDIATELY -- whichever comes first!

No excess slimness!

Sometimes you get so slim, with such defined abs and stuff, that your muscles have their own muscles and everyone's looking at you all the time!

Play it safe: get old and EAT TOO MUCH!

Why are they both barefoot?

(Of course it would be REALLY strange if the guy was barefoot and thought I was a  seagull wearing combat boots -- but we're still on earth, not Pluto, so enjoy the fact that you can go around your kitchen naked-footed and nuts -- until your partner gets back home!)

Looks aren't everything!

Are they??

How to steal really BIG dinnerplates!

A girl speaks her mind about celibacy

Maybe it's just me, but I prefer to wait until after I'm married to go celibate. Yes, it has a lot to do with my Christian faith and with respect I'll demand from my future husband -- and for myself.

I'd much rather have my husband know that I stay pure during marriage, at least in relation to him.

I get a lot of praise and a lot of criticism, but mostly people don't give a hoot what I do -- though I'm positive my husband will!

Some people say I should give celibacy a try before marriage; they compared it to trying out a new car.

If you don't wait, great -- but I'll wait as long as I have to, right up until my wedding day -- and if I don't get married, then guess I'll be spending a lot of time on my back (or other mutually satisfying positions whatsoever that I can dream up.)

The neighbors contemplate careers in politics

Honest politicians are rare.
The responsibilities are great.
How many really good men
are up to the task?

Relishing your Bogglement!

Most of us slow down mentally as we age. But there’s a world of difference between “just slowing down” and moving into Big League Bogglement – which is, of course, that huge stew of memory-loss, confusion and total muddle we all strive for.

The more questions below that you answer YES to, the better your chances of discarding your old life, advancing into the bogglized one that I, personally, thrive in. The questions:

• Look for signs of memory loss and language difficulties. Can you trash, dump and frazzle-up words, names of common objects such as your spouse, etc.?

• Have you been forgetting ever-simpler math, for example - or do your old skills persist and resist?

• Can you stay unfocussed on an easy-as-lying Dick and Jane conversation even when Jane is out to lunch?

• Can you act inappropriately as well as you used to? For example, can you still wear your underpants on your head and your cap on your butt at weddings?

• The boggled mind is the happy mind, and the royal road to bogglization is wide, short and toll-free!

Did you understand what you just read? If not, you may be on the way to a delightful, fact-free, highly-boggle-ated inner life!

Enjoy every moment!

I, and I alone, am to blame for the following insights:

If one thing is identical to another, both are identical.

Bottomlessness of glasses, cups and bottles is directly proportional to unfillability.

Never end a sentence abrup

Pure virgin filth is not substantially cleaner than old-fashioned dirt.

What post-mortem smiles lack in warm, they make up for in durability.

The funnier the jokes you make up, the more easily remembered by people who forget they heard them from you first.

The less absurd a politician’s promises, the less likely they’re believed.

The more aimless your path, the more likely you are to get where you don’t mind going.

The shortest distance between two points is another point.

A Day to Forget

Regreta oozed out of bed like a comatose anaconda. The first 24 hours of the morning were her worst.

And so were the last.

She snaked across the floor to the coffee machine under her bed. She splashed a cupful on her blouse - though it would’ve been neater to drink it straight from the cup. Slurping coffee off herself was awkward – especially with a furry tennis ball in her mouth.

The newspapers on the living room ceiling were piled down almost to the floor. Instead of reading them, Regreta read the tea-leaves in her underpants and found the news was really putrid.

What time was it? Unfortunately, her hourglass had bottlenecked as the concrete inside it rock-hardened solid. Thankfully, the loss of precision was more than made up for by the savings on batteries.

As night plumped down its big black rump on the town, Regreta drove her riding rug-mower up to the bar.

What to drink? A bottle of Coke—or just the Coke itself? She was really thirsty!

She drove back to the sofa and took a huge gulp – barely getting the cushions down her gullet.

When the bottle was empty, she marveled how the sofa had fit inside it in the first place. (She was glad she had paid extra for a liquid sofa.)

She snailed toward the bedroom, optimistically considered her body half-full of booze, not half empty. Her strait-jacket fell up from to the ceiling as she crawled into bed. She poured concrete into her nose and mouth to keep the booze from spilling out.

Sleep would come, that was for sure, or maybe even the big sleep. She had made sure not to drink so little gin that she stayed conscious, and passed out before the concrete set. This was important to her; she didn’t want to be in control of herself or appear sane to any one of the thousands of roaches that might observe her.

Sleep did come, the late writhing sun found her at peace. It was the first time she’d made it through the same day twice in one 24-hour period.

qwurky

FACT: there are no "real" lyrics to Beethoven's 5th Symphony nor to a 5th of Jim Beam!

Intestinal gas—the subliminal seducer

Farting ISN’T the same as blowing kisses or smiling seductively. Or merely showing off looks.

No! Farts reflect internal essentials of your essence—the you within you!

So: eat foods that add zest, zap, sizzle and meaning to your personal scent!

This may take patience, practice and persistence.

But remember: aroma wasn’t built in a day!

This sends a message -- but to whom, wherm and whym?

Experience not only teaches us what not to do, but how to find workable methods of doing it too late - although, in the case of the Iraq war on Terror, this, of course does not apply, all other things being equal at this moment in time.

That being said, The Decider is the ultimate judge of whatever I have not said here, which, incidentally, I have neither read nor understood. Clear?

Not to ME!

(And so, the battle for disease-free phone sex continues. The only answer may be smoke signals, pending a congressional inquiry or very surprising breaking news about ENRON.)

Qwurk, in the distant past

My recent photos, if you look at them along with this one prove it:

If you look lousy enough early enough, with age you won't look all that much worse!

False myth -- or REAL LIE?

You probably thought bigfoot, also known as Sasquatch was just a legend.

So did I -- and what a surprise to find "it" was a girl-like person in a tiny bikini -- excuse the pun -- just a couple feet away from me!

Should I be afraid??

A blank canvas can be worth a thousand pictures

I'm still in the learning process. If you're NOT, maybe you're dead.

Have you checked?

If you ARE dead, please quit reading this -- or at least slow down. Remember the old saying I made up this morning: “If you’re dead, it’s OK to rot, but not to RUSH!”

In my new book, “The Upside of Death”* I explain how easy the dead avoid making idiotic errors – and much, much more you should know if you’re about to croak!

Now the factual crap about my photo: it’s of me in the mirror at a shop called “Vincon” on Paseo de Gracia, in Barcelona, Spain -- but I tried to make the photo look like a painting.

Just thinking: what would have happened if PAINTED my portrait on the Vincon mirror instead of using the trusty Nikon and Photoshop?

*Send for your FREE copy TODAY!

6 Tips for Luscious Nostrils!

A nasal-beauty expert’s super secrets

Nostrils are our face’s finest features: they’re expressive, cute, and useful—and they also keep people from looking straight into your snot. Without nostrils—really—it’d be hard to face your face! All too often however, our nostrils are dry, chapped, cracked and pissed-off. Cold dry winter combined with overheated indoor air robs nostrils of essential moisture, not to mention grease and blackheads.
The main keys to keeping nostrils smooth and healthy involve nostril balm—but many patients confess to an addiction to nostril balm in their quest to alleviate testy, raging and temperamental nostrils. Although at first blush, nostril balm “addiction” seems loony, it’s very real, even to non-psychotics. Our nostrils are lots thinner than the skin that covers our face and body. So: the blood vessels are closer to the skin, and the nostrils warm reddish color which only increases if we apply fluorescent red lipstick on them each morning.
However, besides being thinner than the skin, especially if you’re a rhino, the nostrils have no oil, lipstick or toothpaste glands. So: they get dry and chapped—vulnerability made worse by dry winter air or the habitual application of blow-torch flames. To fight against the resulting inflammatory response and keep nostrils moist, we need to apply moisturizing treatments. Common nostril balms do not possess these healing properties. Sidestepping the problem by removing the nostrils is hardly an option for those whose glasses tend to slide down their snouts!
I have found a formulation rich in chicken grease smoothes the fine lines and wrinkles around the nostrils, helping to keep the nostrils moist and enhancing the nostril’s natural color and fullness. When applied on the skin around the nostrils, this treatment will also help smooth this delicate area, which is real susceptible to thinning of the skin and the augmentation of fine vertical lines that look like crap.
Apply a couple pounds of these antioxidants during the day and before hitting the sack, and increase nostril swelling for a fuller, firmer, balloony look like you wouldn’t believe!
For chapping, try olive oil or axle grease. One of the most important and powerful elements here is found only in extra virgin olive oil, so experienced olives need not apply!
Together, these two formulas moisten nostrils and improve their texture almost immediately, and provide far more benefit than any simple nostril balm can.
Seriously chapped nostrils can be prevented by following a few simple steps:
• Protect and enhance nostrils with an anti-oxidant rich formula.
• Keep your body well hydrated by drinking at least 10 mugs of Jim Beam a day.
• Never lick your nostrils. Saliva dries ‘em out like crazy!
• Do not chew on your nostrils, but never swallow!
• Apply anti-oxidant nostril treatments frequently throughout the day.
• Don’t forget nutritional supplements either, unless you want to be a real klutz. Besides fancy vitamins and ritzy formulas, essential fatty acids in dead fish, flax, and bilge oil are a must—as are my special formula NOSTRILATO EXPENSIVE OINTMENT. Order now!

With the proper care and attention, our nostrils can be smooth, firm and beautiful all year long.
Thank you for reading. As always, I welcome your comments.

Fierce, sweet-as-gumballs kiss

What's the best place to kiss -- in the marketplace or on the mouth?

I am all eye!

No junkmail!

Smooch practice -- which they clearly need!

Green arrow

Note how knee highlights subtley-located
green arrow!

Topless girl showering at the beach somewhat like Megan Fox or Mindy Vega

I don't usually notice shower-poles like this, but, observing how smooth it is and how conveniently-located, it was hard to miss.

Although the girl -- in fact both of them in the photo -- forgot their tops, the view is, to me, quite acceptable, from the beach-bum's point of view.

What do you think?

Neighbors, creating word-pix of hot chicks

Neighbors, creating word-pix of hot chicks
Originally uploaded by qwurky.

Just guessing, but I guess they 're running over the finer points of girls in bikinis without any clothes on -- a very common subject among boys this age.

Or maybe they're talking about what they see through the back of their heads, up behind them: me, behind my Nikon!

We may never know!

(And we surely don't care!)

Beating the blues into a pulpy mush!

Beating the blues into a pulpy mush!
Originally uploaded by qwurky.

Don't let your moods boss you around!

Remember, any time you're feeling too upbeat, a little concentration on the economy, how fast your aging and the crappy low-lifes all around you -- and you can just grab you feelings by the bootstraps and tug them straight down!

Start TODAY, even though, of course, it's far too late!

Uploaded by qwurky on 16 Mar 08, 8.42AM CET.

Green Swirl

Green Swirl
Originally uploaded by qwurky.

If you unswirl this right, doing everything very, very carefully, you'll have something even less worthwhile than what I already posted.

Don't bother. Pretend you're a real young kid and that just a plain, old stupid dumb green spiral is fun.

To me - or the little kid inside me who often runs the show - this little bit of playing around is a pleasure, simple, but true.

That's all for now, folks!

Topless girl showering at the beach somewhat like Scarlett Johansen

Topless girl showering at the beach somewhat like Laure Manaudou
Originally uploaded by qwurky.

I don't usually notice shower-poles like this, but, observing how smooth it is and how conveniently-located, it was hard to miss.

Although the girl -- in fact both of them in the photo -- forgot their tops, the view is, to me, quite acceptable, from the beach-bum's point of view.

What do you think?

One of BILLIONS of guys who aren't JOHNNY DEPP!

One of BILLIONS of guys who aren't JOHNNY DEPP!
Originally uploaded by qwurky.

In my neighborhood, here in Barcelona, Spain, almost EVERYBODY isn't JOHNNY DEPP, himself!

This is just one of the few, caught staring me down, probably because I, too, am not Johnny Depp.

He and I have something in common!

(I just thought of a new word. People who take lousy photos of celebrities on the sly: POOHPARAZZI! Like it?)

Man disguised as banana snatches Gorillas From shop

A man in a banana costume snatched a bunch of gorillas from a primate shop in Hong Kong. Police action response was really fast: they reported it 10 years beforehand.

Jane Monkey, 110, the shop owner—although mummified and scared of bananas—gave chase, but slipped on a gorilla skin.

Monkey maybe because she’d just downed a bottle of Jack Daniels and formaldehyde, believed she was chasing a rogue gorilla peel.

“I didn’t realize it was a banana at first. All I saw was something big, yellow and hairy,” she told the Phony News Post. “I tried to drive it away with my Apache helicopter gunship, which I keep for exactly this kind of emergency, but I flubbed it.”

She was treated for shock and discharged to reduce her voltage.

Police spokesman, Bob Cop, said the man in the banana suit, who was not identified, was hired by prosthetic banana company to stage the prank.

After the incident, police questioned the company’s manager but made no arrests, banana splits, gorilla splits or even banana peelers.

The Chinese-language daily newspaper quoted the company’s manager, as saying something in Chinese. When translated, it turned out he was ordering Gorilla Fried rice, or, as he called it, “Number 34.”

Many Chinese listen to ghosts and also believe what they say, if the statements are properly notarized at US Embassies.

Robin Holmes of Sherlock Forest

Robin Holmes is a swashbuckling outlaw hero of old English ballads. He was a rebel, famed for feats such as

· Hiding parking places in the glove compartment of his car,

· Flaring his nostrils and ears with total disregard for his own safety,

· Flaunting official directives on using spit to hold down his cowlick, and

· Frenziedly chewing not only his nails but also his bolts and nuts.

Most Holmes ballads tell how his merry band stole from the rich in order to rob the poor. Though most of these stories are merely tall tales, the rest of them are entirely false.

The gang did steal from corrupt cops and turn over the loot to police—but only those who were completely below reproach.

The gang’s arch enemy was Archie Foot—a known pygmy molester—and Robin’s father by his second mother.

In spite of being constantly idolized, Robin treated everyone, regardless of race, crud or odor, like scum.

Holmes revolted against those who made laws denying free speech to penguins. Holmes ballads—which he wrote himself under a pseudonym soon after death—tell of his escapades in a style that, to this day, never fails to bore the listener to the other side of coma.

Some historians—William Shakesberg, for example—say Robin lived during the reign of Butch The First—from about 9 to 11 minutes BC.

But: if Robin really lived, where are

· His stolen parking spaces and the glove compartments he hid them in,

· His pet Great White Desert Sharks and

· Receipts for the rickshaws he had to leave in Baggage Claims when he went robbing?

Did Robin really exist? There are 3 reasons that leave absolutely no doubt:

1. the ballads,

2. the tax forms he cheated on when he was US President,

3. another one that right now slips my brain.

Although the best-known Robin Holmes ballads are complete lies, the rest are utter trash.

Sherlock Forest will never be the same way it never was in the first place now that Robin is gone. Try to bear this in mind until the time you are born.

everything goes worse without coke

Flickr: Photos from qwurky

No matter what you do, from being a bathtube-painter, witch nurse, sexless gymnastics, elephant-bleacher, itinerant pedophile, escape artist, barrel-maker, dreamer, banker, clown, contortionist, punctuationist, magician, soup-thief, rogue podiatrist or a fisher of men who disregards REAL tuna – without Coke, what’s the point?

What would Paris Hilton be without this glorious beverage?